My Nervous System Wanted a Gun. My Values Wanted a Network.
For a while now, I’ve been thinking about buying a gun.Not in a “hobby” way. Not in a “I’ve always wanted to learn” way. In a what the fuck is happening to this country and how do I keep myself and the people I love safe way. State violence didn’t start yesterday. Fuck ICE. Fuck fascists. Fuck anyone who thinks that’s anything but the same machine we’ve always lived under. Outrage, fury, anger - reactionary.Friday night I was on the Liberal Gun Owners subreddit, scrolling through posts and trying to figure out where a progressive person in Portland even goes to learn how to shoot without feeling like you’re walking into someone else’s political fantasy. I was looking for a range, reading about safety courses, trying to talk myself into it. Then I woke up Saturday morning to the news of another murder of a U.S. citizen by ICE, and suddenly “find a range” felt too slow. I wanted to skip the learning curve and head straight to Cabela’s. I wanted something immediate. Something tangible. Something that would make me feel less powerless. Something reactionary.And then I realized something: I don’t know any of my neighbors’ names.I’ve lived in my apartment building for seven years. Seven. We’ve lived through wildfire seasons that turned the air into a health hazard. Winter storms that shut the city down, and caused the death of an elderly woman in my building who didn’t have a flashlight so she used candles. Power outages. Supply shortages. Random chaos. And in all that time, we’ve basically been strangers passing each other in hallways like ghosts. I know the sound of someone’s dog barking. I recognize a few faces. I can identify a couple of cars. But if shit truly hit the fan, I wouldn’t know who was behind the door next to mine, what help they might need, or whether they were okay.And the more I sat with that, the clearer it became: in any version of societal disruption, knowing the people closest to you is at least a smidge more protective than owning a gun you barely know how to use. Even if I took all the safety courses. Even if I did everything “right.” Realistically, a firearm would still be a tool I’m inexperienced with, in a high-stress situation, in a building full of other humans. That’s not a safety plan. That’s an anxiety purchase.I’m grateful I have people in my life I can actually talk about this with, the kind of people who don’t shut down when you say the quiet part out loud. Some folks I love are deeply spiritually grounded, focused on staying anchored and putting more love into the world as an act of resistance. I have friends who organize, who show up, who do the work. I have friends who donate real money to people on the ground doing real shit. And I also have friends who own guns. And the ones I talked to, without exception, were adamant: buying a gun is not the first step. Not if you want safety. Not if you want stability. Not if you want something that actually holds up under pressure. They confirmed that yes, I was being reactionary.So I tried to picture what it would look like to do this the right way. Not the dramatic way. Not the fantasy way. The grounded way. I imagined myself awkwardly knocking on every door in my building, trying to bumble through an emotionally loaded conversation about how scared I am about the world. And honestly? That sounded like a great way to freak people out, overwhelm myself, and accomplish nothing.Instead, I chose a more measured approach: I made a flyer.A simple call to action: opt in to a neighbor check-in network. Share your name, your unit number, your contact info, and, if you want, what you can offer in an emergency. Do you have extra masks during wildfire smoke? A first aid kit? A car? A power bank? A willingness to check on someone who lives alone? That kind of thing. Practical support. Mutual aid. Neighborhood readiness. I put it up in the elevator this morning and I’m already feeling that weird mix of vulnerability and hope that comes with doing something small but real.Here’s the plan once responses start coming in: I’ll create a simple group chat or contact loop so we can communicate quickly during outages, storms, smoke events, building issues, or other emergencies. I’ll ask if anyone wants to volunteer as a “floor buddy” so we’re not relying on one person to coordinate everything. We’ll do a basic resource map. Nothing invasive, just a general sense of who has what, and who might need help. And then we’ll build from there: maybe a quick lobby meet-up, maybe a seasonal readiness check-in, maybe a buddy system for folks who live alone. The goal isn’t to become doomsday preppers. The goal is to become neighbors.Because here’s the truth: buying a gun would have been immediate. It would have been satisfying. It would have made me feel like I did something. And I’m not saying I won’t buy a gun. I’m saying I’m not letting fear pick the first move. In that moment, it would’ve been an impulse decision rooted in fear, focused on making me feel better in the short term. It wouldn’t have served my community. And my purpose in life is to be of service to others, not just to my own nervous system.So this is the work. It’s slower. It’s less cinematic. It’s not a dopamine hit. But it’s real. It’s long-term. It’s values-aligned. And honestly? Long-term impact is how I’ve always approached everything I care about, so the fact that my brain went straight to a reactionary, short-term impulse is a pretty clear indicator of how scared I actually am. This is the kind of resilience that matters when things get unstable: relationships, communication, and the ability to show up for each other when it counts.If you’ve organized your building, your block, your street, your neighborhood, tell me how you did it. If you have resources, templates, checklists, scripts, or stories, I want them. I know people are doing this work day in and day out. I’m used to organizing communities but not in this way. I need help. Share what worked and what didn’t. Let’s stop outsourcing safety to systems that have proven they won’t save us. Let’s build something closer to home.I’ll leave you with a great song rec that a friend sent me recently - basically sums out this whole blog and how I’m feeling right now - “Make Me Buy a Gun” by The Devil Said Jump.Also - here's my flyer:
